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Sounds like a British supermarket... - The Rancho Commons
Note to self: no whining, no slacking
aspiring2live
aspiring2live
Sounds like a British supermarket...
Disclamer: Another post for myself about weight loss. I spare you all with this disclaimer. I spare because I love. Run!


Another pound off this week.

Only a pound a week is still a pound a week. This is easy to remind myself of after I've lost a pound, but not so much before. Still, I am so happy every time I see this because I know, I KNOW I have finally found a "doable" way to escape this fat, disgusting façade that is my body. Allie puts her arm over me in the bed and it reaches further, I feel it ever closer to my ribs. I lay flat on my back and my abdomen is aaaaalmost flat, a very big change. I can feel the drop from my ribs to my stomach with my hand, and I can feel the tip of my sternum again. These are changes most wouldn't understand, but they reaffirm to me that, although I can't usually see the changes because they are slow as a glacier, I am changing, and for the better. At work, I'm able to do five, or even seven flights of steps and not be as winded and fatigued as when I did three flights a few months ago. Now, almost in celebration, I make sure I do five flights or more at least 3 or 4 times every shift I work.

Oh, yes. And I eat. I eat meat and sugar, vegetable and fruit, protein and fiber, I literally eat anything and anytime I want to. The change has been in how much of selected items I allow myself to eat. I'm never hungry because I'm limiting food. When I am hungry, I eat till I'm full, or very nearly full. In retrospect, these changes are so subtle I'm surprised my body knows the difference and sheds pounds accordingly. These changes are so easy I can't believe every overweight person who has tried them hasn't met with the same success and happiness I have.

I find myself combing through my pictures, looking for differences between the most recent, and the recent past. There really aren't many changes notable as of yet for, even though I have lost over 20 pounds, it isn't a significant change when I started at nearly 300. Not significant, yet. But, I'm picking the pictures that demonstrate just how severe "the problem" had become. I'm judging each picture on its before qualities. I'm waiting for that first pic that definitely has some after qualities apparent in it. I know for certain this time, that I will eventually have dramatic photographic results. Every day, my life changes for the better. That's a view I haven't held since, ever. That's why I keep coming here and writing about it. This isn't a "weight loss diet" or a "lifestyle change." Its significance is most aptly demonstrated by the fact that I can't begin to label it. I can't express exactly how positive an experience it has become to feel like I have actual control over some little part of my existence in this place.

I guess it shouldn't be a shock, though it still is to me, that in "aspiring to live" I might actually get there. I might actually begin to feel as if I'm living instead of surviving. Ah! I recognize this now! Hahahaha! It's HOPE!

For those with programs, yes, I did actually just figure some of this out as I wrote this entry. And today's numbers are 291/267/~180

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8 aspirations -{}- aspire with me
Comments
alphapythia From: alphapythia Date: February 26th, 2004 05:13 am (UTC) (Link)
The only problem I have with what you said is calling your body names. Being fat isn't "disgusting" anymore than having a broken leg, or drinking too much alcohol is "disgusting." That pure society bs. Remind youself that you are doing this because you love and respect your body in all its forms. It's not "bad" and never has been. It's just a body. It can be more or less healthy, fat or thin, but the digusting lable is something that people with no understanding of the disease of obesity smack on bodies in the (hopes?) of shaming people into loosing weight, which never works. Don't buy in. Love yourself now. Love you body now. You and it are in this together, after all.
aspiring2live From: aspiring2live Date: February 26th, 2004 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)
Thanks, Sophia. This is very encouraging to me. My first reaction is to reject what you are saying because I am disgusted at my own body, but I'm not really. I'm disgusted at the decisions I made that made my body look this way. I have often told others that the only difference between alcoholism, crack addiction, and obesity is that you can survive without alcohol and crack, you can't survive without food. This usually takes people who have been slim their whole lives by surprise, as they've never seen the similiarities as I've seen them. You can't get slim by going cold turkey off of food. (Though, ironically, turkey helps! ;-)

The underlying truth, better stated, is that I am disgusted with myself, and some of the choices I've made. Self-love is a concept I'm not very familiar with, if at all. But I have come to recognize it as an essential component of a "normal" and "healthy" human life. I'm trying to cash out of the self-loathing, as I had already bought in. I'm trying to love myself now. I'm not sure if I will know when I get there, so don't wait for me to notify you. In fact, if you see it, let me know it's happened so I can tell myself. And Allie, she'll want to know!

BTW, I altered the entry, upon your advice. ;-)
alphapythia From: alphapythia Date: February 26th, 2004 11:54 am (UTC) (Link)
Loving myself was my big breakthrough last year. As soon as I figured out why I needed to- how was easy. I never say anything to myself I wouldn't say to someone I love (if I think it- I say, "cancel" and rephrase.) I don't ask things of myself I wouldn't ask of someone I loved and I treat myself as though I love me. The feeling fell in place pretty quickly after that.

Good luck with it. You're a worthy candidate for self love.
thunderslug From: thunderslug Date: February 26th, 2004 06:20 am (UTC) (Link)
A pound a week...always a *great* loss rate...try not to forget that...that's 3500 calories down the pipe...step by step it goes...

And, while I'll echo what was said in another comment...sometimes, for purely motivational purposes, it'sOK to think ill of parts of your body...*as motivational*....I know I would, at times, develop a healthy distaste for my gut...which drove me into the gym...drove me for 'one more round' on the heavy bag...

But that's exercise motivation...for diet motivation, you sort of *have* to stay positive...I'm eating this because I care about me...because this makes me healthy, and puts me on this planet one more day in less pain...

Sweet, delicious portion control...mmmm....the one thing to keep in mind...if you were a big eater before, the capacity remains...I still startle people with the volume I can put down, even now, at 160. (they were, naturally, less surprised when I was at 240..go fig)

Keep taking the pics...they are more trustworthy than your eyes. :)
aspiring2live From: aspiring2live Date: February 26th, 2004 12:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
step by step it goes...

Heh, I know you are right, Jim. I refer you, as someone new to my LJ, to a much discussed "theme" of my life, as related in this entry in a community I belong to. The key word is, (all together) "moderation" and I struggle with this a good deal. A pound a week is an incredible feat of said moderation. Hence my optimism and enthusiasm. Intellectually, I know things that I haven't been able to actually apply to my life.

FWIW, I would prefer 5 pounds a week, but I know the 1 is much safer and more likely to be permanent.

Taking your advice in addition to Sophia's I've decided that I am going to "develop a healthy distaste for my gut." My gut, which of course, I intend to simultaneously love. hrm :-/
thunderslug From: thunderslug Date: February 26th, 2004 12:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
"The mark of genius is the ability to hold two diametrically opposed ideas at the same time without losing the ability to function. "

F. Scott Fitzgerald
(Deleted comment)
aspiring2live From: aspiring2live Date: February 26th, 2004 12:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, last week I was standing in the kitchen as Evan talked to me, and he stopped in mid-sentence and said, "Hey! Your back is curved!" Meaning, I had lost enough weight on my midsection that I was beginning to regain the "normal" shape.

Believe me, because I know, keeping the weight off is even more important than losing it. If you refuse to gain every pound you've lost, only then have you been successful. Only then have you solidified the accomplishment.

Admire? Now, forty pounds down since last summer, that's something to admire!
dancingwaves From: dancingwaves Date: February 26th, 2004 10:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
*huge hugs* YAY!

I know I haven't commented recently. I miss talking with you. Take care of yourself.
8 aspirations -{}- aspire with me