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And I'll keep this world from dragging me down... - The Rancho Commons
Note to self: no whining, no slacking
aspiring2live
aspiring2live
And I'll keep this world from dragging me down...
Gonna stand my ground, and I won’t back down.

It's interesting at times, when you get a glimpse behind the façades of people you have known for some time, but never known well. It is a surprising reminder of how human we all are, how fragile and vulnerable. Even if it is someone you don't particularly like, for whatever reason, when they expose their inside to you, it makes them someone you identify with. You find yourself wanting to know them better, so that you can see the good you've been missing, or overlooking, all along.

As I've said before, in the end we are all simply humans, no more or less. We all hurt, and hurt others with our carelessness and callousness. I write this to remind myself that it is my duty to love others, if I believe what I say I believe about our purpose here on earth. It is all too easy to give your love sparingly to the people that you deem "deserve it." But that isn't such a giving love. To love those who really don't deserve it; that's the hard thing to do, but the one that makes you different. We know people that have loved us when we didn't deserve it, and those are the people that have had the greatest effect on our lives, I think; because it causes you to re-examine yourself, to say, "Okay, what do they see in me that warrants such wonderful treatment? Maybe I should be the person they are giving me credit for being." Unconditional love from others is powerful. It makes us want to change for the better.

Oddly, this is the lesson of Christianity, where Christ gave His life for the undeserving world. However, most Christians forget this as being the important lesson of Christianity and set about "trying to be good" not because they are becoming what God wants them to be in order to please Him, but because they are trying to be "better" than the ungodly sinners out there. Wrong answer. When you are the recipient of unconditional love from someone, it changes you in ways you are compelled to change. You can avoid it or resist it, but if you are smart, you don't want to. Anyone who has had a child they loved has felt this need to change. For me, fatherhood became my new purpose and overrode all other drives I had up to that point in my life. I tell people the day my first son was born, I realized I had found my reason for being here. It is just that simple.

Recently, I have been avoiding some of the unconditional love I have received. I have been resisting the changes I should and need to make, and it has been to my own detriment. Allie, my wife, perhaps knows best of what I speak. I've fallen into a rut where I meet all challenges halfway, if that. I have learned that some people will love me unconditionally even if I fail to meet their expectations and become the better person they see. I have lived a life in the shadows of who I should be. To paraphrase a kiddie movie, I am more than I have become. This is no less than the source of all depression and feelings of worthlessness I have ever experienced.

All this might be readily obvious to some, but I have been blind much of my adult life to the truths of what matters and what doesn't; to what is fulfilling and what is not; to who I should be, and how to get there. The world has been host to many people who sat down to wait on their destiny to materialize, and waiting they died. I've waited long enough. I strive to make my destiny what I want it to be with my own sweat, and with the blood from my own blistered hands. I will do this first for me, but in so doing, I will be bringing all those who love me along. It is my responsibility, it is my purpose, it is the only reason for my existence.

I aspire to live.

Current Music: "Secret Garden." by Bruce Springstein

7 aspirations -{}- aspire with me
Comments
brknconfidents From: brknconfidents Date: October 30th, 2004 03:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can relate. I also wonder what is it...what in the blood in our veins causes us to share the same outlook...the same feelings of worthlessness, etc.? Sometimes I think I'm the only one who can't figure out life and wonder where I missed what everyone else seems to know. Maybe once in a while I have the ambition for those same blistered hands, but where does it go? I've worked the last 10 years at jobs and at school and still I have nothing more than what I started with.

I don't understand life and I wonder what I missed that everyone else seems to know. Maybe they don't know it either. *shrug*
aspiring2live From: aspiring2live Date: October 31st, 2004 06:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, I'll avoid the obvious Tony Robbins, "You can DO it!" talk, because I really don't have "the answers." There are a few things I have learned, and that I now know to be truths:

-Everything is up to you, no one else can help you build your life.

-Feelings of worthlessness generally come from not doing enough worthwhile things, instead of the things we do because we want to do them.

-It isn't so much about "figuring out" life as it is doing something with what we have. (This is one of my favorite quotes, and is on this subject.)

Start where you are with what you have, knowing that what you have is plenty enough. --Booker T. Washington

-And of course: Direction is more important than speed.
(The key is to DO something, rather than pine about it. This is the only thing that will change the situation.)

Lest you think I'm preaching at you, I'm not. I'm saying these are things that *I* need to hear on the subject. These are the things I am telling myself frequently in order to elicit change for myself.

And, we can always hope it isn't in the blood. A hope for escape is all it takes to keep one alive.
brknconfidents From: brknconfidents Date: November 4th, 2004 12:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Didn't think you were preaching at all...Thanks for the quotes. I will definitely save those somewhere after I get hooked up to the 'net at home.
schmimi From: schmimi Date: October 30th, 2004 09:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Lots of important food for thought in this post...

What are the changes that you are resisting?
aspiring2live From: aspiring2live Date: October 31st, 2004 06:35 am (UTC) (Link)
What are the changes that you are resisting?

Read my comment to brknconfidents too, who is my real life sister.

Part I
I spend too much time doing what I want to do, attempting to bring myself pleasure, rather than doing the things I should be doing. I sit on the couch and watch TV when I should be cleaning out the basement. I sit in front of my computer and feed my LJ addiction when I should be playing on the floor with my sons. I sit. When I should be mowing grass, painting windows, repairing soffets, losing weight, exercising, earning extra money, using my hands to make things... I sit.

Part II
I should be improving my spiritual situation, because I have deep rooted Christian beliefs that I have allowed to languish because of poor examples, which I have used as an excuse to, yeah, sit. Having the beliefs that I have means that I have obligations to myself, my family, and other Christians which I am not meeting. That last sentence alone is enough to devastate one's self esteem, unless one is willing to change the situation. I haven't been willing, I have sat. In so doing, I have learned that things don't get better, but they do get worse.

This is merely a brief synopsis of the epic saga. I have spared you many tedious details... this time!

One of the things about my bluntness and honesty with others is that I am as honest about myself to them, when asked, as I am to them about what I think of them, if that makes sense. You have discovered another quality that I share with Jimmy V, I answer all questions honestly. Wield this power with care! ;-)
schmimi From: schmimi Date: November 1st, 2004 08:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm pretty careful about asking questions... when I do, I genuinely want to know the answer. :)

And then sometimes I need to think about it for a bit...

I think that balance is key... if you try to force yourself to do too much, and if your expectations are out of line, you will not have as much to offer as you do when you are well rested and have taken care of your own needs... you have to give yourself permission to sit (or do whatever it is that rejuvenates and relaxes you) for a certain amount of time, and in return, you will have more to offer to your family or your church or your community of whatever.

That, and baby steps... as you noted, and as I have been learning on a personal level (that I haven't really mentioned much in my journal), untended issues have a tendancy to get worse, not better. ANY forward movement is positive movement.
mygyzmom From: mygyzmom Date: October 31st, 2004 07:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Just remember that, at your very worst, you are WAAAY more than you could have been (said in a deep booming voice, of course!)I love you and am so proud to be your wife. "Take my hand and I will follow you..."
7 aspirations -{}- aspire with me