Wait, what? Okay, I understand. If I'm upgrading, I can receive house calls, but if I'm downgrading, I'm on my own, right? So, I said, "Okay, what if I want to cancel ALL of my services?" "Sir, you would still need to return the DVR to our office."
Of course, now I understand that they don't let you keep the DVR with just the standard cable, and you must only get to keep it if you are subscribed to digital and/or HD services. So, because I hate phone services sooo much, I'm going to try the online chat service next. I've never had one of those keep me on hold for 10 minutes!