September 1st, 2004


Just some stuff...

It has bothered me somewhat recently that, not only have I not posted much in my journal, especially of any real substance, but I haven't even wanted to when I tried. I've thought about why that is, and I think I know. At least, this is my best shot at it. First of all I adore LJ and read it multiple times every single day. So, it isn't that I'm tired of journaling. In fact, I often read the content in numerous other journals, LJ and others, and think to myself, "Now that's how I should be writing in my journal!" And I can, I know I can write well enough to express myself in the ways that I want to.

So, herein is the rub. I think I have been hesitant to do so because nearly all the people who read this are so different than me. I understand my strengths and weaknesses pretty well, and one of them (because sometimes it is one, and sometimes the other) is that I am driven to please everybody. This is why I recognize myself as a good middle manager, but not a good senior manager. You can't please everyone all of the time, but I end up trying. It isn't because I'm so "caring" about others feelings, it is a drive deeper than I understand. It is often irritating, even to me. That being said, I think I started out in this LJ experiment trying to write "on eggshells" because I didn't want to offend anyone, and I also abhor conflict. I'm no drama queen (or any kind of queen, for that matter! ha!) or king by any use of the term.

However, as all of you would undoubtedly concur, it would not be true to the nature of a "personal" journal, which I intend for mine to be, if one didn't feel free to be personal. In struggling with these conflicts, I have been on a voluntary hiatus of sorts. I plan to end that, and write exactly what I want, when I want, and put into words what I am thinking about things. Not to offend, and not to cause intentional conflict, but because this is where I live, and it's time for me to put the furniture I'm comfortable with in here. Right?

Therefore, should the tone of my writing change in a way you find unpalatable, feel free to tell me if you need to and can do so in a mature and civil way. But feel free to also drop me from your friends list if you find yourself irritated more than pleased with my posts. I'll do the same, because, as we all know, this isn't real life, this is LJ. I have a lot of things on my list of what to worry about ahead of "why so-and-so dropped me from their friends list." As do you, I'm sure.

Now, sit back and let's see what happens. Maybe nothing. Maybe a lot. I'm not sure where I'm heading just yet. But I'm going to be here for a while and I plan to say whatever I want. No apologies for that.

Thanks for reading! And I really mean that!