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The Rancho Commons
Note to self: no whining, no slacking
Hey, I have a permanent account...
10 aspirations -{}- aspire with me
brknconfidents From: brknconfidents Date: February 15th, 2009 12:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I hope this doesn't ruin our new Twitter relationship...as I had hoped, foolishly I suppose, that it was the faint and weak beginning of some sort of rekindling.

I can't say that I've seen every post over the last couple years that my LiveJournal has been merely sitting here, but I've seen enough. When I ventured here...when I stopped long enough to let it all creep in...when I've glanced at a picture, or come across a file on my computer...I've seen enough. You see, the last 4.5 years have been a fast and furious race toward prizes that you could never understand...unless you listen while I tell you. Would you? I know you'll read this, and in this hangs my only hope.

Yes, I was quick to follow my heart. A difficult thing to ignore and one that clouds discernment of what one's head is truly saying. I've tried to explain loneliness before...mine specifically, but I don't know if anyone will ever understand that I spent my high school, and the beginning of my college years in isolation and a loneliness that I could never quell. My only friends were a journal and a pen.

When I started spending time with Ernie, it was finally gone. Then I went away to college, and we met again. Then when I "decided" to be a lesbian...again. Although I must hold that it wasn't a decision. I was far too well-acquaited with myself and much too wanton for company. After a long line of friends who had come and gone, no best friend in site, and feeling like I had a secret to be keep that is too large for any keeper, you bet I jumped at the chance to friendship, to 24/7 relationship...to NOT being alone. Now...it's loneliness and I again although I do have a few friends in sight now. I guess it was meant to be.

In case you were wondering, you still haven't left my pedestal. You've been there much too long, and replacements will always be second-best. I don't say that to flatter you or sting some old wound, but because it is true...one of the best truths of my life.

I do not enter with excuse as that's one of things I've learned from Las Vegas is my life's choices are always in my control and excuses are only meant to justify a wrong choice in an effort to make me feel better. I have made so many mistakes in the last 5-6 years and for the majority of that time, I have been running from the consequences. Pushing the guilt and sheer knowing away because it's so much that it threatens my very survival.

This post holds my worst fear...that it is too late. And while there are two sides to every story, it seems you've heard too much...or enough already. It's a bitter realization that you can't push the Pause button on life, or relationships...even with family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but...when you lack one or the other, the outcome is still the same...death.

Yours is one story of pain...there's Mom, Dad, Alison, the boys...my armory is empty. I am a defeated foe. I can't go on here really, with that, there's nothing more to say. I grew up believing that there was nothing beyond "sorry" or forgiveness, but clearly I was mistaken...there...too. All I can really say that is that YOU are the only one who can decide...just as you've clearly decided here that it's too late for you...if you'll ever have a sister again.

Phrases of a song...that were never words of my own.
10 aspirations -{}- aspire with me