Once I was able to think properly again, which apparently requires pizza molecules, I figured out my error, and a solution, and my next goal. Yes, the pizza was that good. I had unconsciously allowed my thought patterns to shift away from what I was accomplishing and I began to focus on what I was missing; what I was being "deprived" of. I started obsessing over food which intensified the hunger and longing and trashed my morale. In retrospect, the arbitrary goal of 15 days was not the best method.
I plan to start juicing again this week, probably tomorrow. This time, my goal is to break 250. Last time, I started at 274.5, ended at 258, and have stabilized at 262-264. So, my net loss was over 10 pounds for a 12 day fast. This time, I'll break 250 and probably end up around 254/255 when I start eating again. Rather than fix a set number of days to fast, I'm targeting a weight to break. That way, a few days in, when I'm starting to dwell on all the wonderful foods I'm NOT eating, I can reach my intended weight goal sooner by exercising more. INCENTIVE!!
Oh, and if I just get downright pissy again or obsessive about food? I'll eat something. Not every day, not every 3rd day, but like, maybe once a week or something. This is a consideration and not a concrete part of the plan as yet. Mainly, though, I expect success because this time I'll be aware to avoid a shift in my thinking to what I'm "missing" and remember what I'm losing.
I looked at my tag "weight" a few days ago and was saddened by how long it's been. How long I've been affectionately called "big guy" by people who barely know me. How long I've berated myself and hated myself, no loathed myself... One of my life's successes so far has been making sure my boys didn't have weight issues. I hope they never will. If they do, I'm going to counsel them and encourage them and support them. I'm going to "bug" them about it every time we talk until they hear me. 20 pounds when your 30 turns into a hundred when your 40, I'll tell them, and it does nothing short of ruining. your. life. until you drop it. They'll know how I know this.
On a more positive note, I looked at my work badge photo, which is just over 2 years old because I got a new badge when I changed jobs. I had crept up over 300 to a maximum of 314 around this time. When I looked at that I realized I had lost over 50 pounds in the last 2 years and it gave me a surge of optimism. Maybe I won't have to be buried in a piano case. ;-) It made me realize I need to rethink things yet again, to start expecting to lose down under 200 pounds, because that can actually and realistically be accomplished in our lifetime!
And, because this post is only annoyingly long and not yet impossibly long, let's talk drugs. Still off all my depression meds and I've recognized some feelings of mild mania and depression associated with my cyclothymia. I guess I had once again convinced myself blindly and ignorantly that all that stuff was gone away. Ha. Uhhhh, yeah. So, recap, my brain isn't as balanced as yours. I have... issues. But I think I'll be able to manage without medicine. I think diet and exercise and weight loss will all positively impact my brain function. Some days I'll want to stay up and not sleep and others I'll sit on a chair and take note of the fact that I'm just not motivated enough to do the things that I intended to do that day.
It's a brand new concept for me; where I understand my imperfections, I acknowledge my strengths and shortcomings. It is conceivable that, with time, I might even come to like or even love myself. The telegraph worked, man flew, space travel happened. It's conceivable.