1. Never bathe more than one dog at a time.
So, after 20 minutes of clamouring about the bathtub trying to apply soap, rinse soap, wash parts, rinse parts, etc., they came out looking like half-drowned rats, smelling like babies, and agitated as drunks in DTs. They set about their new found task of leaving teethmarks and wet smudges on as many household objects as possible before passing out. I won't go into detail as to how successful they were, except to say that so far I haven't found any on the ceiling.
2. Bathing dogs temporarily revitalizes their energy level, while completely sapping your own.
The good thing was that they passed out and slept well all night, recovering from the stress of us "trying to drown them" as they perceived it. This morning brought new challenges and revelations. It's rainy, it's muddy, it's cold, they're clean, and they have to pee. So, Allie tried the leash thing again.
3. Puppies cannot urinate or defecate with a leash attached to their collar.
She brought them back inside to the nearly pristine kitchen linoleum.
4. Linoleum has an odor that induces puppies to urinate and defecate.
After the first round of cleaning, they slept. Now they are up again.
5. Puppies only use about one fourth of their resources to grow and learn, the remains are dedicated to producing waste. This is why they seem to sleep, eat, and poop/pee in a continuous cycle.
So, after a quick chase about the yard sans leashes I gave up and brought them back to the kitchen, paper towels and "Odor-removing" spray in hand. One of them would pee and I'd swab it up like an ambitious seaman. The offending pup would sniff the spot and look at me as if to say, "Dude, I can't smell urine at all! Now I'm going to have to mark that spot all over again."
6. Two dogs, working together, can make more messes in a 100 square foot area than one person and a roll of paper towels can keep up with.
7. Puppies understand that, "No, get BACK!" means to place their front paws on the spot that I'm dabbing with the towels.
8. Puppies understand that tail wagging is a powerful means of disarming all potential enemies.
9. Puppies respond to, "Don't step in that poop!" appropriately. They slide in it instead.
Note to self: when on your hands and knees doing some good ol' "Mammy-style" cleaning, watch out for the corners of items that would normally be clearly visible from the standing position. I hear bells!
It is certain my wife and sons will be less than understanding when I get all rampagey this afternoon, for "no reason!" ;-)
Deep breaths, calming music.