I did my duty yesterday. Got up without enough sleep after working the night before, got dressed, chose the place to eat, and went happily along as if this was what I wanted. Truth is, I don't really know what I want, never really have. I mean, the obvious things: health, wealth, mortality, time travel, always thinking of the right thing to say when you need to say it, everyone wants those. I mean the wants that make me an individual. I feel as if all I really want is to be alone forever, but I know I would get lonely. As far back as I can remember, one of my fantasies has been to be all by myself, suddenly, on the earth, just as it is, but devoid of all people. When I was a kid I used to imagine riding a motorcycle or fast car right out of the showroom window, flying a jet and ejecting because I couldn't actually fly it, finding any food I wanted and eating it whenever I wanted, staying up late to watch TV, no school, etc., etc. In my imaginary empty world, I could bring back the people any time I wanted, but I never really wanted to. At home, I preferred to close my door, turn on the radio, sit at my desk and draw or practice calligraphy, or whatever. Was that normal? Is it normal to want that so much now? I sincerely believe I could live alone without being lonely for at least a year or two. I don't understand these feelings. I love my family, I wouldn't want to lose them for the world.
Never have I wanted to be alone and to be left alone more than I did yesterday. I'm really not ready to be 40. I wasn't ready to be 30, and I'm still not. I would still be in my 20's if I had some control, but then most people probably would stay young, wouldn't they? I have heard people say things like, "I have enjoyed my [fill in decade here] better than any other time in my life," and be talking about something later than 30. I can't ever see that being true for me. The older you get, the more work there is to life, the harder it is to accomplish that work, the longer it takes to recover from that work. How is any of this positive?