Geek at the cool table, cool at the geek table. (aspiring2live) wrote,
Geek at the cool table, cool at the geek table.

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Moderation and Depression

Nothing to write. Life should be good, but I feel like it's crap. I have no reason for this, so I wonder sometimes if this is depression. Okay, so I'm fat and lazy and I'm getting old faster than I want to.
All-in-all I got it GOOD! Two great boys, decent house, good paying job with a SUPER schedule, comfortable marriage that has stood the test of time. Lotsa positives here, so why do I always feel bummed? Is this a personality thing or some chemical imbalance in my brain? Experts disagree.

I live in a vicious circle, a catch 22 kind of downward spiral. I need to lose weight to feel better, but I don't feel good enough to exercise so I can lose that weight. I have known really fat people who were active, constantly doing something because they couldn't stand to be still. I have known really thin people who were even lazier than me, so weight doesn't seem to be the main contributing factor, necessarily. Some people face numerous extreme tragedies and keep smiling as if their life couldn't get any better. Some people never quit, never give up when facing the harshest adversity. Where do they get that? Are they born with it? Because I've tried for years to attain that with no success. I try positive self talk, self-improvement initiatives of my own design, and endless ultimatums and resolutions. I no longer believe you can roll out of bed and say, "Today I will have a positive and fruitful day," and then proceed to make it so by sheer determination. I can easily list the attributes I desire to have in my own life, but I have not, under any circumstances, been able to implement those attributes by force of will. Why is that? Is this just another demonstration of how All-Or-Nothingness has impeded my progress in accomplishing my life's goals? Are my lips moving? Is my chest rising and falling? "Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Am I really even alive at all? I wish it was clearer.
Tags: aspiring to live, depression, getting old, moderation, weight

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