Tags: god


Day 2

Well, it took me about 24 hours of hacking and searching and hacking some more to get my new journal set to some colors that are both visible to the human eye and do NOT cause seizures! Whew! I've typed at least 6 months worth of journal entries all in HTML color codes. Ah, but now I LIKE it.

Recently, I have had a change in my work schedule which is definitely for the better. Okay, I gave up my weekends, yep, EVERY weekend, but I have no life anyway so that didn't really matter. So, I work 12 hour nights from 7pm to 7am every Friday and Saturday night. Then, I work a 12 hour night every other Tuesday night. IOW, I work 5 nights (60 hours) in a two week span and get paid for 80 hours. KILLER! This has totally changed my outlook on life for the better. I now feel as if my life is what I DO, and oh yeah, I have to work a couple of nights a week.

Now, the temptation is to take ALL that extra time off I just acquired and invest it in MEMEME! But I know that will lead to depression and feelings of worthlessness so I'm gonna do better than that. I am going to make lists! YES! More than that, I'm going to aspire to accomplish what is on those lists. NOW I have time for exercise, housework (mostly outside stuff and help the boss with her stuff now and then), hobbies, home improvement (not the TV show) and a little quiet time. My hope is also that I can stay awake through church on Sundays after working Saturday night, when I start going to church again, that is. The congregation will probably soon know me as the guy that nods off every Sunday morning. But, they will know me as the guy who could have stayed home and slept but is trying to do better than that, too.

Gotta go, List time.


This is my first online personal journal entry, ever. Like my first apartment or something! Yep, gonna write in my own space and quit bumming off of other people. So, here goes...

My username, aspiring2live, comes from the realization that most of my adult life has been spent surviving instead of LIVING. I have a million reasons to be happy and thankful, to smile and be cheerful, to be friendly and enthusiastic. And I WANT to be all those things, but sometimes I feel like a two dimensional object in a 3D world or something. Only recently I have begun to understand a little more about who I am, where I came from, and where I am going. I think I missed the full implications of a lesson I was taught at about 6 years of age. God is love. Without Him, there inevitably become fewer and fewer reasons to be happy and enthusiastic, to LIVE.

I have good, solid reasons why I stopped going to church and turned away from God. I mean, believe me, if there have ever been poor Christian examples and hypocrites, I could write the book about who they are and what they've done. There are a couple of problems with my life plan that brought me back to that first grade lesson, though. First, I don't have enough faith to believe that evolution exists, that man is "getting better," that evil is non-existent, or that the human vasculature just grows and grew from primordial pond scum. Second, I can't explain to my sons what my good, solid reasons for avoiding church and God are. After all, it's their SOULS I'm playing with. The responsibility is horrible and frightening, and it's mine.

And so, I am seeking a way back to God APART from all the crap I have seen and heard over my life. I am nearly ready to engage in a bond with Him that is simple and child-like. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter what other humans have done wrong, that is between only them and God. Just as MY life is only between me and God. And you know, no one else is going to be standing with me on judgment day, no fingers to point, no blame to pass. Faith is about ME and GOD and the single, unbreakable bond between us. NOW, all I have to do is act, to go, to do, to achieve for and with God. I aspire, now, to LIVE.

What about you?